Monday, November 1, 2010

Goodbye, boys.

For the first time in a really long time-- possibly EVER-- I am ok with the thought of being single for a long time.

I lead a good life. I have a multitude of blessings seeping in on me every morning, not the least of which is independence. I have people to love and listen to and be understood by, possibly my most important need and want. I am still on track with my Heavenly Father, he's telling me so right about now.

I have a firm, and dissaprooving, understanding just how brutal Satan is, how he chips away or sometimes jackhammers away on whatever ails you, your whole life long (HE IS A JERK.).

More importantly, I also see and feel how sweet and unique the blessing of a close relationship-- friendship, even-- with Jesus Christ is. I understand a bit better how one's honest friendship with the Savior brings a level of calmness, confidence, and charity to one's daily life that absolutely cannot be picked up elsewhere. I really love going to the temple every week since I have recieved my endowment and just enjoying the spirit and the community that is there.

I'm a little worried about whether or not this is an appropriate statement to make on a blog, but for once I'm going to let it be my journal of what I really think and feel and am going through. I talked with my mom this week about our very deepest fears and worries (which we both, oddly enough, came face to face with this week in the form of very bizarre, very deeply affecting dreams :)

I realized that my fear used to be not getting married young. (As you can probably guess, that's caused me a lot of panic and pain the last five years). In my defense, this is not just some foofy desire I had because I was all princess-y and marriage obsessed. I genuinely have felt, for most of my life, that I was MADE for someone. I am not meant to be single, and I will be a dang good wife. I have felt inklings of what it will be like to support and sustain someone through thick and thin in my relationships with family and close friends, and that is so delicious to me. I just want it, and for the last five years, I have wanted it to be now, or since it's obviously not now, starting tomorrow...

... but, as I talked to my mom, I realized that my real desire is to have a family. It doesn't matter so much when that is. I know the caliber of family I plan to raise: the kind that can cross the proverbial 21st-century plains together and arrive with everyone intact and in tune on the other side, with confidence in their voices and hands, a song a prayer and a laugh on their lips, and love in their eyes. I know the type of marriage I hope to share at some future point with a very, very good man. I am beginning to understand the type of esteem I hope to hold him in; I've heard it in the voices of some of my favorite women as they discuss the enduring obedience to God and quiet dedication to family that their husbands display every day (I literally want to stand up cheer for every good man, good husband, and good father that I know, as in college football game-clinching OT TD volume cheers). I'm so proud of all of you that are hanging in there. I'm so here for all of you that are having a rough go of it. Like I said, Satan is a jerk, and boy do we have to stick together, invite the Savior in, and not let Satan get an INCH on us!

I saw the most beautiful thing on Sunday: a dad sat on the end of the back pew at church, beside him in a little wheelchair was his tiny little daughter (I'd say under 3 years old!) who had some special needs. All stake conference long, he grinned at her, rubbed a little stuffed penguin up against her cheek, let her reach up with her tiny hand and turn his face this way and that. He took every chance he got to make her laugh. You could see plain as day that she was one of his most priceless treasures, and that he was her favorite person in the ENTIRE world! Just watching that reminded me how worth the wait, how worth the fight, these things are.

I have no idea where I got the dumb idea to title this Good-bye boys. Consider that a moment of melodrama from a now mid-twenties girl. Hello, men is more like it. They've got to be out there somewhere. Making the right choices, moving forward across the plains, same as I'm trying to do. Guy, I guess I'll meet you somewhere on the road. Hang tough.

Thanks for reading.


Summer Lewis said...

Well stated my love. Sometimes we extra-special girls get to wait around for the Lord to fix up the perfect match for us. Finding Ben was like finding my other half that I didn't know was missing. And it took a while (by Mormon standards anyway, I was 25 when we met). But I had to wait, because he's almost three years younger than me, though much more mature...usually. The moral of the story is love where you are and continue working and growing and preparing yourself while the Lord prepares someone for you. And dang is he one lucky man.

M.C. Sommers said...

I love this post! I'm glad you wrote it for all of us to read (even though I know how hard that can be sometimes). I'm always so impressed by you and I love reading about all of the great things you are doing :)

Raunee said...

You're so awesome Lindsey! I'm so glad I know you, even in this little way. Sometimes it's hard to follow God's timline instead of our own. Heavenly Father knows how special and wonderful you are, and you will find someone who knows that, and who's just as great when the time is right for you!

Judy Anne said...

When I knew that I would only have 2 sons, I held a party with some of my sister/friends. We talked about what we thought we wanted and what we really had. We cried and wrote all of the concerns that were weighing us down. Then, we tied this piece of paper to a helium balloon and let it go. There was something very theraputic about physically letting go of the string and giving our dissappointments to God. I love you too and know that you will do and have done many great things.

KentandLieren said...

Lindsey I love you! You are such an incredible person! I'm so grateful for your wonderful example. :0)

MOM said...

I feel a burden lifted, and it feels good.

I like your vision of your family. It's what it's all about.

I love you, first born child of mine. :) MOM

Spencer said...

Man, i bet that felt good to write eh? Good for you! I had a conversation with a friend a couple days ago about this sort of thing, and she has come to what i believe is a similar sort of resolve(being ok with being single{or single for longer than she wants}). I can sense your honest feelings about this issue spewing out in this post. I think this is a really big step for you, and will help you find more happiness. i love yoU!

Olsen Family said...

Way to go Lindsey. Satan is a jerk and we relearn that concept our entire life. I am happy to have you in our family and love you all the more!