Friday, February 13, 2015

How to Ruin Everyone Else's Dating Lives.

This is not a list of ways to get men. This is a map to the dark side... This is Your Guide To Becoming a Dating Villainess.


Welcome, my black-hearted novitiate. You have laid aside the pure and innocent desire to fall in love and seek instead, like Delilah, Lady MacBeth, and thousands of other scarlet women before you, to wreak havoc on the hearts of men. Maybe one--or many-- of those insects have spurned you. Maybe you have a pernicious rival (the "Heroine") who keeps blocking your shot and you wish to see her destroyed. Maybe you have just always loved sifting souls like wheat... whatever your reasons for coming, prepare for the most glorious power, the most electric thrill you will ever experience. Prepare to don the cloak of a Villainess.

Take a second to channel the evil powers of your most horrible high school frenemy, and that girl on the Bachelor who throws herself like a ho into the most perfectly laid plans of the Heroine. If your love of the Jane Austen books has finally driven you mad, choose now to meditate on Lucy Steele, Jane Fairfax, and Caroline Bingley. Let them instruct you in the beautiful art of ruining everyone else's dating lives.

The commandments of evil:

You can almost hear my evil cackle.
- Answer the door when your roommate has a date. Flatter and flirt with him on the doorstep til he can't remember his date's name.

- Wear the same dress that the heroine just bought, but yours is two sizes smaller, tighter, and shorter.

- Never have any friends of your same gender (unless they are your minions and you send them out to spread malicious rumors).

-Every boy must take you out somewhere fancy at least 8 times before you let him know it's not going to work out (That is, IF you let him know!).

- Have at least 8 boys cycling through this process at all times.

- Complain at length about how taxing all these dates every week are to your roommate who hasn't been asked out in 8 months.

- Upon hearing that someone has had a successful DTR, seduce the male into making out with you. Leave him a confused muddle of guilt and ecstasy.

- Never, ever call back.

- Never, ever text back. Except if you notice he has been texting someone else. Then bring your texting A-game!!!!!

- Go out with someone once, inform him suddenly that you're just not feeling it, and make everything AWKWARD!!! EVERY TIME YOU SEE HIM!!! TIL HE MOVES AWAY!!!

- Three words: skimpy. profile. photo.

- Date roommates or best friends at the same time. Get them to duel for you.

- WORSHIP Katy Perry and T. Swift outwardly, but take notes from Miley and Rhianna secretly.

- Passive aggression. Employ it in every conversation that don't follow your master plan.

- What's the feminine equivalent of the humblebrag? Oh yea. The complimentfish.

- If you truly find yourself desperate to be in a relationship, ask out a target and act like he is totally and utterly uninteresting on the date, thus securing his affection. When he comes around again, be completely unwilling to admit your initial interest or return his. Blame ALL weirdness entirely on him.  After all, he should have liked you first. He should have realized what he could have had.  He must pay for not having played a perfect game.

- Remember: you are better off without them.

Here are some suggestions specifically tailored to the Mormon fishbowl:

- Go after the EQP because of all his POWER!

-Dump the sweet EQP and immediately start dating the ward meathead. When asked, assiduously argue that, "He really is nice when you get to know him!"

- There are white, grey, and black ways of making out. Perfect all the moves in the latter two.

It's just so cute when they cry!
- Move into a new ward and steal ALL attention!!

- Testimonies can double as personal advertisements. Be uber-charming up there. Flip your hair.

- Reveal your beau's very personal secrets to the whole Relief Society!

- Say I love you. Dump him two days later. Take him back. Then do it again! Remember what Bain said: "There can be no true despair without hope."

- Throw a wrench in your current relationship and go make out with someone else. Inform the second party several weeks later that you're kinda sorta almost engaged to someone in Utah/New York/DC 2nd.

- When the heroine tells you her Prince Charming finally asked her out, give him a backscratch in church. And your phone number.

- Dump someone at the altar (worth 1,000 Villainess points). 100 extra points if you keep the ring.

- If you do successfully ensnare a poor unsuspecting hunk of manliness into marital servitude, fill people's facebook walls with your wedding pictures for MONTHS. Then only publish pictures of your life looking perfect, so as to help others set wildly extravagant expectations for happiness in marriage.

- Also adopt that annoying habit of all newlyweds and shill out unsolicited dating advice!

Any others I might add? I have actually witnessed every single one of these tactics before, except the altar dumping. Happy Valentine's Day, all you empowered Villainesses! I love you.