Thursday, August 9, 2012

{Round 2} People are Crazy/How to Be a Villainess.

God is great, beer is good, and people are crazy.

I LOVE that Billy Currington country song, don't care what anyone says. Although I might sub in "Klondike Bars" for beer. The truthiness of the chorus still hits me forcefully every time: People. Are. Freaking. CRAZY!

Decathletes= CRAZYTOWN.
Ashton Eaton, current WR holder AND an Oregon Ducks runner. Woo!

How many examples have we had lately of people shoving right past the edge of possible into the realm of crazy? Australian eccentric attempting Jurassic Park, USA proving its dominance over the rest of the human race by landing on Mars, and of course, Michael Phelps making 22 Olympic medals look easy. Oh, and the constant rumbling undercurrent of our current and future presidents acting like vengeful cartoon villains on a nation-wide stage (Romney responsible for someone's death? Obama, I hold you in utter contempt).

I kind of want to try on being a vengeful cartoon villian(ess) for a day, see how I fare. Hmm, but what venue? I need a small stage, but one where I could really get dirty... I got it! The Mormon Bachelor! The Olympics of singles ward fishbowl dating games! (7 of 13, to be continued...)


So I've never actually watched the Mormon Bachelor... do they even HAVE villians? Or is everybody just sweet, good-hearted girls, looking to see if their assortment of quirks correspond to the hero's? That's what I imagine. Even better for me if that is the case. The perfect place for a villainess to make waves!

My hero.
Give me a second to channel the evil powers of my freshman year frenemy and that girl who recently blocked my shot at church. You know who she is. She's in your ward, too, with her stupid laugh and inane conversation topics. Ok. Mormon Villainess mindset perfected.

You can almost hear my evil cackle.
How to be a Mormon Dating Villainess (Note: many of these work equally well for a Mormon Dating Villain)

- Never have any friends of your same gender (unless they are your minions and you send them out to spread malicious rumors).

- Wear the same dress to church that the heroine just bought, but yours is two sizes smaller, tighter, and shorter.

- Answer the door when your roommate has a date. Flatter and flirt with him in the front hall til he can't remember his date's name.

- Upon hearing that someone has had a successful DTR, seduce them into making out with you.

- Conversely, throw a wrench in your current relationship and go make out with someone else. Inform the second party several weeks later that you're kinda sorta almost engaged to someone in Utah/New York/DC 2nd.

-Every boy must take you out somewhere fancy at least 8 times before you let him know it's not going to work out (That is, IF you let him know!).

- Have at least 8 boys cycling through this process at all times.

- Never, ever call back.

- Go out with someone once, inform him suddenly that you're just not feeling it, and make everything AWKWARD!!! EVERY TIME YOU SEE HIM!!! TIL HE MOVES OUT!!!

- Rock out to Glee soundtracks.

- Three words: skimpy. profile. photo.

It's just so cute when they cry!
- Say I love you. Dump him two days later. Take him back. Then do it again! Remember what Bain said: "There can be no true despair without hope."

- Go after the EQP because of all his POWER!

-Dump the sweet EQP and immediately start dating the ward meathead. When asked, assiduously argue that, "He really is nice when you get to know him!"

- Date roommates or best friends at the same time. Get them to duel for you.

- Passive aggression. Employ it in every conversation that don't correspond to your master plan.

- Move into a new ward and steal ALL attention!!

- What's the feminine equivalent of the humblebrag? Oh yea. The complimentfish.

- Testimonies that double as personal advertisements.

- Reveal your beau's very personal secrets or trials to the whole Relief Society!

- When the heroine tells you her Prince Charming finally asked her out, give him a backscratch in church. And your phone number.

- Dump someone at the altar (worth 1,000 Villainess points). 100 extra points if you keep the ring.

Any others I might add? And yes, I have actually witnessed every single one of these tactics before (except the altar dumping. PS did you know Neal Maxwell was once left at the altar? I bet she regrets it now!!! I like knowing our apostles were similarly stricken with obnoxious, all-too-human trials a few times in their exemplary lives). Like Billy Currington wisely observed, "People are crazy!"


jbroclayto said...

The best. I feel like this needs to be a running list, there will be more we can add to this job description.
Also-skimpy profile picture...see picture of ezma above...bwahahahaha!

Maggie said...

ha ha Utah/New York/DC 2nd

I would love to know what spawned this post. Hope we can roadtrip soon.

Michelle said...

I love the back scratch one. ;)

Amanda said...

Firstly, your boobs are way too nice to be Yzma. Her googley-eyed, directionally confused, pointy chest crack me up every time. And you are like the antithesis of theis villaniss. Real. Honest. Talented. Smart. INCREDIBLE. I always wonder what guys think when they marry these messes. Yikes to that drama as a wife and mother! No thanks!

Stephanie said...

Loved this post!! The scratch the back one reminded me of our Liberty Days square and all those boys. Oh man. You are awesome! I love the satire in your posts. Your "hero" is out there...once he realizes how lucky he is to catch such an amazing woman.

Love you!

ynny said...

@ Maggie- so I had a friend send me a list of 13 random ideas for my blog, and the villainess idea evolved out of some of them.

I then sat around with some friends and roommates and we brainstormed all the different nasty things girls do that makes us want to call them a B and shun them. Et voila le list!

JordanGuy said...

This is perhaps one of the best posts that I have read anywhere in a long long time (and that goes for a lot of basketball and pop culture blogs). So crazy that you managed to nail so many of the traits of ex-ladyfriends of mine:) It is almost like said ex-ladyfriends read this post before it was written and then implemented these techniques into their lives (and mine).

Your weaving of random ideas into succinct narratives is second to none. Bravo!! After working most of the day there is nothing better than having some blog dessert to refresh my mind and get me through the last few hours. You my dear are a rare talent.