Sunday, May 16, 2010

An open letter to a little sister who went to school with a hole in her pants.


When I went over to visit a boy a few weeks ago, it was raining, and as I followed him down his hardwood stairs, I slipped on my damp Chucks and fell-- bump, bump, bump-- on my tail bone down three hard-as-rock stairs. It hurt soooo much but I just popped right off and started to laugh. He did not join me in laughing, which was weird. I give people FULL permission to laugh when I lose my balance, which happens often.

Later, I was biking with the same guy, who was wearing me down stamina-wise (22 miles! MY BUTT!!!). Just after making the swaggerish claim, "I could kick your trash in swimming!" to try and save face... I took a tree branch straight to the face. Didn't EEEEEVEN see it coming.

Then, there was the time I fell down the escalator at the Suncoast Casino in front of Sam F., my junior year super-crush. Or the time I seriously sprained my ankle falling off a sidewalk (again, in the middle of a date, and there might have been swearing involved). I also ran into a pole at twilight in Paris. So (un)romantic.

How about when I opened an umbrella in someone's face and caused their lip to split open (on a blind date to a Jazz game in SLC)? Remember when I had to ride down Snowbird mountain in a toboggan at the end of the day and my friends thought I was dead, when really it was because my legs were so shot that I literally would have collapsed on the snow if I had had to snowplow six more feet?

Once, I came home from doing baptisms at the Provo temple and was standing in a ring of friends, just chatting, when I sort-of fidgeted my foot around in one of my shoes (they were borrowed, beautiful ankle-strappers, courtesy of the lovely Katie Worsley), when my ankle just suddenly tweaked downward off the shoe and I collapsed in a heap. In front of the ward hottie, who just stared at me and mimed catching me, even though he obviously couldn't have (my descent was too quick for him and his gallantry!)

And then, there was the granddaddy of all Lindsey-is-retarded moments, when I closed my eyes for a second to pant while on a treadmill in the Provo 24-Hour... and opened them in time to feel myself at the very edge of the belt, and then got shot backwards across the room onto my back! Undeterred, I hopped right back on the treadmill, having forgotten that it was still spinning around at a decent running pace of 6 mph. In quick succession, the spinning belt knocked my extended foot out from under me, caused me to crash to my knees on the treadmill belt (skinning both of them), and then shot me, again, off the back of the treadmill, roughing up my shins on the back cylinder as I passed by. I clambered up, still undeterred (the iPod blaring high-energy Beyonce helped block the pain). I reached around to turn the speed knob DOWN this time, and about 5 seconds later, I snuck a glance at the line of treadmills to see if anyone had noticed. At least FIVE runners had STOPPED their treadmills and were staring, mouths open, at me; the guy directly to my left mouthed, "ARE YOU OK??" incredulously, to which I just breathlessly replied, "Yea! Whew! I'm fine!" Then I turned around to face the tv monitors again.... and tried in vain to ignore the shooting pains of sweat seeping into the open wounds on my knees and shins.

If you would like more stories like that, I have them. Or if you have favorites I've missed, please remind me :)

Never let it phase you, and enjoy laughing at yourself. It's good to be a clown.



Raunee said...

Ok...if that was all really you, I feel your pain, and I totally feel so much better about myself right now! I am the world's klutziest of klutz' ever known to mankind! It would help if I could actually walk straight! Lol! I love that you are able to laugh about it and shake it off. You are so good at telling your stories!

Kalisha said...

Can I just say how much I appreciate this post! I have done some pretty stupid things, but the treadmill one was my favorite!

ynny said...

Raunee! How could you doubt me? Of course they're all my stories. And I've even left out a few gems, too, including the time I had a broken and bloody nose while sitting on a boy's lap, who later grew up to become the married first counselor in my singles ward bishopbric. Or when I dropped two separate slices of pizza, both greasy topping side down, onto my lap on two separate dates with the same boy (Chase, who thankfully made free to laugh heartily at my apparently trembly fingers).

Lauren Kay said...

I loved this post. It was pretty fantastic. I love hearing the dumb things others do because I always seem to do dumb things too. Yours were fantastic.

Maggie said...

treadmill. wow.

tali said...

HA HA! your treadmill story made me laugh out loud. i would have died if that happened to me!! you have successfully distracted me from work- thank you for sharing! :)

Erin said...

LINDS. Do you know that EVERY TIME I run on the treadmill at that very same gym I have nightmares about that? And do you know that your story is even worse than the nightmares I have? Unbelievable.

And also amazing. Thank you for that.

Raunee said...

You are so great Lindsey! I love you! I've just really never met anyone that has maybe had as many mishaps as me! On mine and Chris' first date, I tripped and fell in the movie theater! I was so mortified that I told him, "If you never want to see me again, I understand." He just laughed. Or how about the time I was eight months pregnant with Brandon and I got up to bear my testimony, and as I was walking away from the podium, I tripped and fell right in front of the bishopric! Those are the times I wish the floor really would open up and swallow me!